I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
50% drunk capacity currently
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
