Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Randomize
