the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
