no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
