I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
