I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
