You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
