At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
