she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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