I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
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Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I won't apologize to a one balled man
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
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Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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