I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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