I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
