did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
