The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
