I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
