Duck Duck Cougar?
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
