I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
