Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
