I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
