it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
