she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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