I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I checked into jail on foursquare
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
