yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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