i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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