hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
