Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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