so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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