She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
