I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
