why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
