how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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