He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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