i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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