Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
