I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
The police scanner is talking about you again....
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
