Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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