I just threw up on my dentist
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
