glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I will be naked everywhere
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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