Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
