I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
