just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
