I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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