would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
