girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
