Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
