The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
