oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
