Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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