I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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