3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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