I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
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