The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
