ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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