My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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