theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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