Can i not drive my cunt home
idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
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right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
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I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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