There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
