Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
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