I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
